Entering Parenthood and a New Mindfulness

The Start of a Young Family

Today marked one calendar month since the birth of my firstborn son. It’s been a ride so far, up and down, peaks and troughs, a blur of broken sleep and an overload of chores. The first two weeks were certainly the most challenging – in and out of two different hospitals as the poor baby had severe jaundice. I was most disgruntled as I wanted so much to get settled into a routine as quickly as possible and all the medicalisation and added car journeys caused such a disruption.

As for how I felt during those days, I claimed to friends it was the hardest thing I had ever undertaken. I stand by that now, even with the benefit of hindsight, as on day three I was so worn out by it all that my mind took me to some very dark places.

What Trauma?

I had heard that some partners find witnessing the birth of their children traumatic, so I had been geared up for that, making a mental note to stand shoulder end and try not to look at anything that was going on. However, during the pushing stage of the labour, I forgot all that and was actually quite active in my encouragement and mobile in my moving around the bed.

So I witnessed the visceral details, and although not bothered by the sight myself, at one point I clumsily asked the midwife ‘is that a normal amount of blood?’. It just wasn’t the birth itself that got to me, it was the sheer practicalities demanded of me in my new life.

The initial 48 hours from the birth was intense but I was in survival mode so I could handle it, lots of adrenaline must have been coursing through my veins keeping me up and powering me through.

Unfortunately, by day three the happy chemicals ran out and I felt completely deflated and overwhelmed. There were two points in particular where it was most acute but in general, over the first week after the birth, I struggled with negative thoughts.

Haunting Thoughts

At first, I couldn’t even hold the baby properly and an inner voice chided me for it. It was around this time that I realized that the idea of baby’s ‘crying’ is a euphemism – they scream. It was in those early days, I held the baby for half an hour so my wife could take a quick nap and I couldn’t calm him down at all. The effect was like holding a sounding fire alarm or warning siren…

Negative thoughts surfaced in my mind, that some people just shouldn’t be parents and that I was one of those people. This seems so bizarre to me now but at that moment it was what I was repeating in my mind and the notion weighed on my shoulders like some uncomfortably heavy hooded coat.

It was also by day three I realised I had done so little in preparation. Sure I had been to all six NCT classes, and I had read a third of each book I had been given by friends and family. Yet, it was the minor unexpected practicalities that tripped me up and caused hold-ups at times when the baby was screaming.

For example, I had no idea how to unfold the pushchair frame, so there was always an uncomfortably long ten minute period where I reminded myself which clasp undid the bit which connected to the other bit to set it up. Annoyingly whenever my wife had to do the same task, she just looked at the contraption of the folded pushchair and it transformed as if by its own inertia into its upright form.

A Video Diary

Despite the almost complete eradication of my free time, I’ve been keeping a ‘One Second Everyday’ video diary of my son’s life and the first video of a month of this looks delightful.

It captures his coming into something resembling alertness, our trips to the park, pub, interested friends and family, and story-time where I read him something he is literally years from comprehending. Yet it’s missing the daily struggle, the sleepless nights, the tired commutes. It doesn’t show the extra stresses and the strain put on us as a couple, and so far, it’s like I am creating baby propaganda.

I’ll say this though, that little video really helps. It helps remind me that I’ve been part of creating a new life. A life that is already a person and one day will hopefully thrive in the world at large. It also chimes with the change in my thinking that has occurred over the last few weeks. That is, that I don’t act in the world for myself any more and my thoughts are coming to reflect this with a new kind of mindfulness.

The change makes the suffering worthwhile. I act mindfully of my new family and for those that are dearest to me. The minutiae of non-enjoyment matters not when I think of the goal of moulding a whole human being whose own actions in life may (let’s hope) make something better of the surroundings he will grow up in.