Fatherhood in Focus
Assuming fatherhood has been the most challenging obstacle which I’ve had to overcome in my young (ish) life. This may be saying a lot for those who’ve known me for ten years or more. It’s the truth though.
Recently, after an autumn-themed photoshoot to celebrate marking my son’s first year, I had cause to reflect. I thought back to the blurry fog of the first few weeks, the settling months of the intermediate period, and then focused on the recent few months.
The end of October 2018 to the start of September 2019 made up a challenging ten-month period for me. Yet the last two months (although not without stress) have been little short of wondrous. I can only thank my small, ever-smiley, dynamic bundle of joy for this.
While I didn’t expect to become an emotional father, it fits now, and I am caught up in it. Here is a brief summary, followed by my very simple but heartfelt advice to any new fathers or fathers-to-be.
The Frontier of Fatherhood
Many new Dads are overwhelmed with emotion at the sight of their firstborn and instantly fall in love with their creation. That wasn’t me though. At first, I was fathering purely through a combination of expectation and necessity. In one word, duty.
The first few weeks were literally about surviving and keeping my head. I also had to ensure good mental and physical well-being for my other half. This is not even to mention the range of new demands from the little life we had just encouraged into the world.
As the weeks became months, I adapted to the various changes in lifestyle which I had expected and was reasonably prepared for. What I didn’t expect though, was the secondary impact that becoming a father would have on literally every human relationship I had.
Friends assumed slightly varying and different roles in relation to my new situation. Relations with family became more nuanced; I would say closer, but a little more complicated in that expectations had to be managed carefully. Perhaps most importantly, my marriage was tested on more than one occasion, in new and unforeseen ways.
Realising the Routine
Throughout the spring and towards summer of 2019 I was still acting out of duty, I was somewhat distant. Now every child is different, but having a strict routine worked for us. Gradually, the daily tasks became simple and straight-forward. I began to look forward to getting him up in the morning and cherished our ten minutes spent reading each bedtime.
As my son approached his first-year mark, I ended up spending a great deal more time with him. I came to understand and care for him out of a much softer, kinder and benevolent set of emotions. Essentially, I began caring for him through compassion and most importantly, love.
The Future of Fatherhood
Now, there’s no going back. We have bonded so much. It is a bond that is almost overwhelming at times. One that I have never experienced before in my just over thirty years of life. He is the first person I feel like I would go to war for, against anyone or anything. Especially if that person or thing was a threat to his precious life. Maybe that’s a bit of an extreme way to look at things, but let’s just say it’s a powerful feeling.
Yet, I realise I’m one of the lucky dads. I have had the time given the circumstances our family found themselves in. A friend with the exciting news that they are expecting a newborn in the coming year asked me about reading material for fathers. I’ll say here what I said to him. I only finished one book on the subject of fatherhood. It moved me, and if I re-read it, I am sure it would move me again.
This is because I see both sides of the equation now. I could see being a perfectly adequate father, going to work, coming home, doing chores etc. But now I also see, being more involved, bonding, loving and caring for my son. Not just out of duty, but with a passion that drives me to provide for his welfare and better support his mother. So what’s my advice for raising a happy, healthy child, and not losing your mind?
My Advice for Dads-to-be
There are so many books on parenting out there, stacks and stacks, volumes and volumes. For ladies, and mothers-to-be there are probably very many useful books. For fathers, however, I recommend just focusing on one. The book I’m mentioning has many useful tips, and I won’t go into them in any detail here. I’ll keep what I have to say simply to these three points.
- Read the 60 Minute Father.
- Pay attention to all of your relationships. Preferably, when you have got enough headspace to do so.
- Remember that you need to look after yourself – exercise, eat well, breathe (and if you’re an introverted type, make sure you get enough time in your own company).
And that’s it from me, for now, on fatherhood. Good luck.
Interesting a useful for fathers to be but mostly enjoyable to read the way in which your emotions changed over time to different things
Glad you liked it bud. Yes, lots of change, but certainly not all bad!
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