1 Tip to improve everything: Take an actual break

Cant catch a break? Try this.

Unexpected, unprecedented. Resetting and refocusing. A kind of a break, and a new start of sorts. Three and a half weeks without my young family’s constant needs was just what the doctor ordered. Only, I didn’t know it until the opportunity was thrust upon me for most of the month of May this year.

It was a quiet Birthday for me on the 11th May. I was celebrating passing thirty something turns around the sun with relatively little fanfare. The unique thing about this particular birthday though, was that it coincided with the cheapest tickets to China that my wife could purchase.

In the evening of this beautiful spring day I drove my wife and two young sons to Heathrow Terminal Four. It wasn’t exactly the smoothest send-off. I parked up in the busy drop-off zone and then realized my other half was unable to steer the luggage-laden trolley and kids and buggy into the terminal all by herself. I glanced around for the friendly porters who I assumed would be only too happy to help.

There was no-one nearby, so we advanced towards the entrance. A purple shirted attendant yelled at us. Without his indicating any help, he made it clear we couldn’t leave the car there unattended. I looked around. About twenty metres away, three other purple shirts sat against a wall, lazily scrolling their phones.

“Welcome to Heathrow – Happy to Help”

I strolled over and insisted they help us. We were stuck. My beleaguered beloved ones needed to get to the terminal. Pronto. They had a flight. Surely, this couldn’t have come as a surprise to these people? I was beginning to wonder if this was some practical joke. Four Heathrow Airport staff in the vicinity and no assistance whatsoever. The answer soon became clear.

One porter looked up. Scowled slightly. He mumbled thirty pounds and produced a card reader. This was it then, extortion. Situational robbery. For the act of shifting two suitcases fifty meters, they wanted thirty pounds!? Outrage doesn’t cover it. Needless to say I paid the money. Hugged my family goodbye. Got in the car and slammed the pedal to the metal.

Now a few weeks earlier we had a trial separation from my eldest son, where he spent five days at his grandparents. When we drove off leaving him there I felt a pang in my heart for about thirty minutes. Our connection was being tested. I was hoping he would be ok. But on the way back from Heathrow? Nothing. Just an open minded appreciation of my upcoming time of peace and freedom.

Oh the peace and the freedom

Let me talk a little more about the peace and the freedom. For any young parent, these are vanishing concepts. I’ll start with the freedom. I’m big on freedom. Big on freedom in a justice sense. And big on freedom in a personal sense. I used to love travelling, exploring, roaming around foreign countries. Ranging the world in a physically free way of being.

Not only this, but absorbing exotic cultures, engaging in open-ended discussions and debates. So, enjoying mental freedom too. Yet it took me sending my loved ones four thousand miles away to realize just how much they impact on this sociopsychological freedom and how much of a toll that probably takes.

Ready for some quiet time

And then there’s the peace. Everyone sits somewhere on the introversion to extroversion scale. We probably move a few places up and down it depending on overarching factors such as mood and situation as well. I enjoy my own company. Or at least I did. Until I had children and was forced to adapt to being in the continuous presence of other people. As the little ones increase with age so does the variety of nonsense situations which arise. I had ample time to reflect.

I used to love to read. Struggle to finish a few chapters of any medium length book in my current situation. Used to have numerous hobbies and interests. Things going on, but not anymore. Family life has come in like a bulldozer of responsibility, flattening my personality and leaving a long list of chores in its wake. Not for these three and a half weeks though! Happily, gladly, smilingly, most of the month of May 2023 was as peaceful as could be. Aside from my day job, all my time was free time. Time that pretty much as a novelty, I could choose to spend with other people or by myself.

Questioning the experience

As the days went by, and turned into weeks, friends and acquaintances alike asked about the experience. There were three main lines of inquiry:

• What are you doing with all the free time?
• Does the house seem empty?
• Don’t you miss them?

What did you do?

I admit I lied a little about the first question here. I pretended I was mightily industrious. Springing into action and finishing up all the started but forgotten projects of the last two years. I was more active, yes. I did more physical exercise, yes. Yet, there was a luxury about the resting, the sitting pensively, enjoying the birdsong in the garden. I felt like I was enjoying a reward I had heartily earned.

To elaborate, I felt some balance. Finally the universe had recognized my endeavour to be a good human and for once, lifted all the barriers to relaxation. It felt great to do nothing for an entire evening. Wonderful, really. Stranger though, was that the feeling that the good times were ending soon (which has accompanied all episodes of good times since children) was noticeably absent. That was the truly remarkable aspect.

Empty house?

To answer the second question. The house didn’t seem any less for not being full of two energetic kids. It was relaxing. I would go downstairs. A memory would flicker through my mind of the Lego pieces strewn all over the living room floor. Gratitude would flood through me like an injected drug. I would go upstairs. The bathroom would always be available.

Not a massive deal at all but never during that month did I miss brushing my teeth on the way to work. Small winnings matter. I would go outside. I could pull up a chair and listen to whatever music, for however long I liked, without a little person splashing me with water or damaging themselves flying off a trampoline. All the more conducive to relaxation and reflection. All worth savouring.

Lonely feelings?

So the answer to the final of the three questions was yes and no. Every now and then I would get a heart pang. A sensation that something was amiss. Something a little out of kilter. Usually when walking a route I would typically walk with the kids. Near school or to the shop for example. I noticed the feeling. Accepted the feeling. Then, I focused on the peace and the freedom and the feelings went away. Just. Like. That. Which in itself was a process that made me feel in control of my emotional state. A little confidence boost again.

And what about my spouse? Here was something slightly different to what I expected too. I had anticipated missing her in an emotional/visceral sense. Again, it played out differently. In a tangent that I might follow on another day (as it’s a long one) I realized her importance to a series of recent successes in my personal and professional life. Long story short, her presence in my life story has helped me grow and mature in ways I could never have brought out of myself. She’s the mother of my two amazing boys. I could go on. Anyways, what I’m trying to say is that while I wasn’t pining for her to be back, I was startlingly more appreciative of her role in all the areas of my life.

So what now?

If you take anything from reading through this admittedly self-indulgent journal type blog post I’ve written here, basically it’s this: we all need breaks from time to time. As outlined above, the benefits for my own mental health, attitude, self-esteem, and human relationships of this break were immense.

Responsibly, reduced. Freedom, increased. Peace, available on tap. Although I understand this isn’t going to be possible in many cases, I would actually recommend sending your nearest and dearest to another country (preferably continent) for a number of weeks and seeing if you feel the same.