I tried telling them. They wouldn’t stop. Just couldn’t stop.
Lips curled upwards, brimming with joy, little faces lit up. They smiled and giggled and giggled some more as they relentlessly tried to drag me to the floor. It wasn’t a done deal. I still had a little energy after my long day of work. I happily gave in, however.
Something about the floor seemed enticing. Big mistake. Once there, they wrestled to stay on top of me, still laughing, enjoying the moment. My three-year-old son pinned my neck while my five-year-old sat on my hip. I pretended to be trapped, squirmed a bit and lay still. Pretending they had won the battle, or whatever game we were playing.
This was the start of something new. They had become a team. A force of two brothers who would work together to accomplish their aims, even if this was simply a case of bringing down a tired parent on an idle weekday evening.
And that was the moment I recognized another parenting milestone.
Parenting Highs and Lows
This moment was a high. Despite my wariness. It dawned on me that my children have become more collaborative, more cooperative. They now enjoy working together to achieve their aims. Brothers in arms. I began to feel like their bond is only going to get stronger from here.
There are the points in the parenting journey that you must cherish. You should make sure these snapshots are etched into memory at a deeper level. Engraved into your spirit. Basically, so that in the tough times that may be ahead you know what you are striving for. Striving to be back in a similar set up. Where nothing matters but the joy of those you love most.
A recent three or four weeks of consistent good mood in my significant other brought home the realization of how much becoming a mum changed her mentally. This recent spell was the longest continuous period of positive mental state for her since having our eldest five and a half years ago.
Post-partum depression is such a big deal for the women who suffer from it. The fact that these recent weeks of pleasantness happened (without an affair or secret drug habit) is a light at the end of what has been some lengthy tunnel. A tunnel in which I’ve often asked myself does it just suck to be a parent?
Who would choose to become a parent?
It’s not something that can be easily explained. The path into parenthood is perilous. It is surrounded by pitfalls. At the same time there are so many problems surrounding men’s mental health in general. I gather that the next younger generation are opening up a lot more. I see so much sharing of dealing with issues these days at the earlier stages in life. Perhaps this is oversharing, but maybe it is helpful.
Maybe by the time those in their late teens and early twenties now get to settling down and having children mental health in this country will be in a better collective state than it is now. Somehow, I doubt it will be though. Mental health is not typically helped by online life. And, if anything, the systemic trend is toward helping oneself.
Two things I’ve found very helpful are meditation and breathwork. I’ve been into meditation in some form or other for many years, primarily mindfulness meditation and more recently Koan meditation. As for breathwork, the breath is a useful tool as a focal point for meditation so there is some overlap between the practices. In the last few months I’ve found something new. The regular practice of box breathing.
Box Breathing for stress management
Also known as square breathing, this is a simple, powerful relaxation technique that can help to reduce stress and improve focus. Essentially it involves breathing in a specific pattern that can be thought of as the shape of a box or square (hence the name).
Here is how it is typically done:
- Inhale: Breathe in slowly and deeply through your nose to a slow count of four. Try to focus on filling your lungs completely, starting from the bottom up.
- Hold: Hold your breath for a count of four. Avoid clenching your jaw or muscles; try to keep your body relaxed.
- Exhale: Slowly exhale through your mouth for a count of four, expelling the air from your lungs and abdomen.
- Hold Again: Hold your breath for another count of four before beginning the next cycle.
This cycle is repeated for several minutes. You can visualize drawing a box in your mind as you go through each step, which can help keep your focus on the breathing pattern.
Apparently, box breathing is used by individuals in high-stress professions, such as the military and first responders, to calm nerves and regain focus. I have found it a very helpful technique to reduce stress and improve mental clarity and presence. Next time you are stressed give it a go.
Back to the parenting journey
Parenting is an uncertain sea to travel. When days blend into nights and moments of peace can be as fleeting as the good weather, it is easy to lose sight of the small victories. Sometimes, mundane moments can be testament to the bonds of family.
The growth of sibling camaraderie, and the journey of parental love, learning and understanding is as profound as it is overwhelming. As our children grow, so too does our grasp of what it means to be a parent. I am reminded of a lyric from a Xavier Rudd song, which resonated with me long before I became a father.
“Precious little life to guide and lead. With an open mind, I’ll guide and I’ll lead.”
Little Chief by Xavier Rudd
Summing it all up
The stories we live through, like the impromptu battles that end in laughter and the quiet victories over post-partum depression, serve as beacons of hope and resilience. They remind us that there is beauty amidst the chaos of family life.
Our journey is punctuated by moments of pure connection which teaches us the value of presence. Furthermore, we can recognise both the importance of mental health, and the joy that comes from watching our children discover the world together. Through practices like meditation and box breathing, we can find anchors in the storm. They are a way to centre ourselves. To emerge more mindful and prepared for the challenges that lie ahead.
There is a lesson in every struggle. The path of parenting is both a shared and solitary one, filled with unique challenges and universal truths. Arm yourself with patience and persistence and look out for the moments of connection. In the end, the love we give and share in is what truly matters.